Let’s bring our focus from our head to our heart this final month of the year to end on a warm note of loving kindness.
Kindness is actually one of the things your mind should be wanting. “Better wanting” is what professor Laurie Santos calls it in her Science of Wellbeing Course, Yale University. Better wanting is the stuff we should be wanting, but we don’t even realise we need to make us happier. In October’s wholesome blogpost we talked about our build-in mis-programming that doesn’t set us up for success nor happiness. Our brain was designed for survival with programs we named misperceptions, mispredictions, and miswanting. Kindness turns out to be an effective happiness tool, and the cool thing is: it not only improves our mood, it actually affects our community and environment in a significantly positive way as well! Loving kindness for world peace!
“The highest form of wisdom is kindness”
The Talmud
Match made in Heaven
“ If you want to be happy, practice compassion,” is a common refrain of the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism, the fourteenth Dalai Lama. The power of kindness isn’t exactly a new concept, it’s been in our holy scriptures for centuries. Modern day science is just finally catching up with ancient wisdom! In the past two decades especially, we have been able to prove ancient knowledge scientifically. I think this is a most exciting time to be alive. I can’t wait for science to actually be able to prove we have a soul, for example.
The first laboratory that started systematically testing and experimenting kindness using scientific methods was lead by Sonja Lyubomirsky. It had been shown that happy people tend to be kind, but could the reverse be true too? Can random acts of kindness make us happy? Sure enough, being generous and considerate turns out makes people happier to boot! The cycles of a wholesome life spiral around kindness.
There are some tricks to this trade if you want to get the most bang out of your kindness buck. You need to do more than your custom to actually experience a kindness boost. And if an activity is meant to enhance your wellbeing, it needs to remain fresh and meaningful. In the 40 day RESET course we point out the importance of variety for a healthy mind. Spicing up your kindness strategies will be worth the effort as well. Doing random acts of kindness is one of many ways you can take intentional effort to make yourself happier.
Our brains are wired to experience helping others as a good achievement of our own. (Finally, our minds are doing something right!) Additionally, others perceive you more positively and more charitable when you are being kind and generous. “And, it fosters a heightened sense of interdependence and cooperation in your social community (e.g. ‘it takes a village to raise a child’)” Sonja Lyubomirsky states in her book “The How of Happiness”. She also beautifully writes:” When you commit acts of kindness, you may begin to view yourself as an altruistic and compassionate person. This new identity can promote a sense of confidence, optimism and usefulness. Considerable benefits of kindness are an improved self- perception, and a sense of meaningfulness and value in one’s life. “
“True happiness consists in making others happy,”
Hindu Proverb
The Butterfly Effect in Action
Now on a more selfless note. By being a kind person you are also paying it forward. Your acts of kindness, or hearing about other’s acts of kindness, ‘moves’ others and makes people feel ‘elevated’ and in ‘awe’. And, it inspires people to perform good deeds themselves. One act of kindness can have a positive social impact. For example, observing the heroic acts by the NYFD and emergency personnel in NYC after the 9/11 attacks inspired many Americans to donate blood. Two to five times the normal rate! The chaos theory would see this as a perfect illustration of The Butterfly Effect. This analogy illustrates beautifully how a small change can make a much bigger impact than anticipated.
The simple act of doing a random act of kindness, can come with a host of positive benefits. Doing nice stuff for others can increase our mood, and it can also increase our feelings of social connection. Kindness makes us happier, while improving other peoples’ lives by affecting them both directly with your generosity, but also indirectly. Your acts of kindness inspires people to become more generous and considerate as well. Magic. Kindness should be the religion of mankind.
Self-Kindness in Action
Kindness starts at home. Treat your loved ones like loved ones. You don’t have to become a volunteer or donate time or money at a local charity. Choose you acts of kindness with kindness and care. Consider how they will affect your home and loved ones as well. Any changes in behaviour can have unintended consequences, good or bad. We’re not all born Dalai Lama’s or Mother Teresa’s!
This attitude of self-kindness is the epicentre of any self-care practice in my humble opinion. Most of us are not so kind to ourselves. We should treat ourselves like our most treasured friend. The way you treat yourself is the way you will end up treating others, and the way others will end up treating you. Surround yourself with loving kindness, for your own wellbeing.
Kindness in Action
Helping others makes us feel more accomplished than doing that very same thing for ourselves. Spending money on others actually makes us feel better than spending money on ourselves as well! Professors at the University of Brittish Columbia, UBC, Liz Dunn and colleagues have done some experiments on this. They found that the amount of money you donate doesn’t really make a significant difference either. Whether you give $5 or $20 to someone doesn’t really matter. It’s the act of giving that boosts your happiness. Using your money to engage in small generous acts like treating your friend to a coffee. Or helping someone out who’s having a rough day by buying them some flowers, will make both of you feel better. In other words: you CAN buy happiness after all, by helping others!
Better Spending
The happiness that comes from giving to others is a universal human response, not just limited to financially affluent countries. Even in places like Angola where most people are struggling financially and don’t have enough money to buy food for themselves, people feel happier when they use their hard earned money to benefit others! Dunn and colleagues did a small research project in Uganda in a community struggling to find money to pay for malaria medication. Even they got an emotional boost from using money to benefit others, even though they really needed it themselves. This is a bit of a wake up call for most of us. You don’t need to wait till you make enough money to start giving! You can start small today. Social spending will boost your happiness immediately!
It has been proven that making more money doesn’t make you happier. Money that provides security does provide contentment and peace of mind. However, once your basic living expenses are covered, more money will not make you much happier. Donating money, will make you happier than striving for a bigger salary!
Our lives become meaningful when we make a difference in other peoples’ lives. Charitable opportunities that make us feel more connected to others, and where we can see the impact of our generosity, tend to give us the biggest emotional boost.
“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”
Winston Churchill
Better Giving
How can we do the most good with the resources we have? Especially at the end of each year, people and corporations are looking into donating to charities. But how do you know what the most effective cause to donate to is? How do you get the most value for your charitable dollars?
What matters most to you? Improving lives or saving lives? How can you compare different causes to each other? How can you figure out if your dollar has an actual impact?
Luckily for us, several organisations have been created in the past decade to address this very challenge and assist us in being more responsible with our donations. Here you go:
- https://www.givewell.org
- https://www.openphilanthropy.org
- https://www.givingwhatwecan.org
- https://www.thelifeyoucansave.org/what-makes-a-charity-effective/
If you are most passionate about improving lives, like we are, donate here today to keep this cycle of wholesome living going
Paying it Forward
Or you can give my RESET book to a loved one you care about deeply and has been struggling with all the changes this pandemic has brought upon our lives. It will do you both a world of good!
I believe we need to support each other in creating a new normal that is wholesome and healthy for all.
“There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.”
Khalil Gibran
Be more generous for your own good! Giving makes us happier human beings. Do good to feel good. An act of kindness or generosity should make you feel better. When it makes you feel depleted, drained, bitter, taken for granted…remind yourself to be kind with yourself first. Never give at your own expense. You’re not helping anyone when you’re depleting yourself. You would be doing yourself, and the people around you, a disservice. When you overextend yourself, you burn out. Flight attendants remind you all the time to don your own oxygen mask first before assisting others. Give yourself room to breathe first. Be generous and kind with yourself, first. When you feel good, you will naturally want to do good. Your cup of goodness will spill over and make the world a better place.
From now on live your life intentionally! Create the life you want to live wholeheartedly one action at a time. A Wholesome Life is enjoyed with a peaceful mind in a vibrant body through intentional kind action.
Best Regards in Heath and Wellbeing for the New Year and beyond,
Nathalie Francois
Feel Good. Be Good. Do Good.
All year round.
Let’s put your kindness into action this month:
Try to do at least one random act of kindness a day. It could be something big like donating money or volunteering in your community. These do not have to be over-the-top or time-intensive acts, but they should be something that really helps or impacts another person. It can be something small like giving somebody a compliment or just doing something nice. For example, help your colleague with a project, give a few dollars to the homeless guy in the subway, or say something kind to a stranger, write a thank you note, give blood, etc.
Remember that variety is the spice of life, and in order for your kindness practice to be effective it needs to pull you out of your usual routine. Commit to keeping your acts of kindness new and special, and choose something or someone different every day. Variety is the spice of life!
Every day this month:
- I practice loving kindness towards myself and others.
- Question how you could become more generous? You could start by giving the RESET book to your loved ones, or putting your kindness into action here.
- Reflect on what random act of kindness you did today and how did it made you and the receiver feel?
- Do you appreciate these free coaching tips? Show your appreciation by sharing the love here.
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